One of the most difficult things about being the child of a narcissist (or someone with borderline personality disorder - BPD) is untangling emotions, understanding what one is feeling, why, if the emotion is attached to something, someone, some event, or if one is generalizing.
As I sit here this morning, I have an intense feeling of upset, slight anger, foreboding, fear, frustration. About what? I haven't untied all that yet.
In the list:
I've had a client contact me about a project I've tried three times to complete for them. They must contact their client to make sure the site is prepared, and they haven't. Frustrating but I can't fix it for them - they drop the ball but I take the hit.
I have a friend needing help moving stuff, which I'm happy to do, but I'm a third party to the machinations, so sitting about waiting on that stuff to be coordinated.
I'm travelling with a group next month, but not positive of accommodations, and unhappy about a potential addition of $500 US to my costs resulting from my having done a good deed...
I'm pissed off we've had dead air from an organization we've been trying to contact since May this year. This angers me so much because their behaviour is ridiculously unprofessional, and we're left wondering what we've done.
I'm bored; work is too quiet thanks to a continuing sluggish economy.
I'm annoyed with myself for procrastinating over several need-to-be-completed items that will take only a few hours to finish.
I'm so very angry at my sibling over their handling of a change to our parent's living situation and that sibling's demands for money but a refusal to say WHY.
I'm also furious at this sibling's deep unwillingness to be clear about what is going on, particularly, as I understand it, they were on the verge of losing their home, and the home our parent was living in. This sibling chose to be angry and confrontational despite our many offers of help.
And I'm furious at another sibling for having taken nearly half a million from our parent and lost it all. Every damned penny of it, and $45K from an investor, and $80K from another person's parent too... this is a whole other story, none of which I was part of, except where I suggested, strongly, to my narcissitic parent they should make sure their investment is secured - which they didn't, so yeah, near poverty.
I'm struggling to figure out which feelings go where and if they're even worth entertaining. And I'm sick to my stomach and I don't know why, and I know I'm pretty close to burying my head in the sand that is Reddit, or in my addictive craft habit. I have lately come to understand how I use these as "treatment" of a sort.
Growing up as the child of a narcissist is a distinctly unbalancing experience. There's no variance in how the narcissist approaches whatever it is they're angry about - and they're always angry about something.
It is never their fault and they always react on maximum volume, no matter how infinitesimal whatever the issue might be. There is no emotion one can feel and/or express the narcissist won't somehow attack, minimize, misrepresent.
They can spend hours or days haranguing, but when the harangued person finally crumbles into tears, or resorts to rage, the narcissist doubles down. There's no emotion one can feel or express that the narcissist will accept as valid; emotion is always an attack on the narcissist no matter what has precipitated that emotion.
When one is subjected to this from an early age, to be blunt, it fucks you up.
The net effect, particularly when all this starts when one is a tiny kid (2 years old in my case) is, as an adult, the victim often - almost always - misinterprets what people are saying, or what they mean by what they're saying. I am, as a rule, confused and uncomfortable about where my emotions are coming from and I have a difficult time understanding other people's emotions. I am aware I read in other people's feelings, but am terrified to ask if they're actually feeling the way I think.
I usually default to believing they're angry, or they detest me - this being a result of my parent's regular assertion when I was young that they had "people" watching me all day, every day, whether I was at school or with friends (I had so few friends; my trust was shattered at such a young age, and I never knew who these "people" were).
I always feel as if I've done something terrible - a persistent, ungrounded foreboding. Someone saying, "Hey can I talk to you for a second," releases and INTENSE fear response in me. Always. You will understand in employment situations, where people must collaborate many times a day, the "Can I talk to you?" thing made my work environments unbearable and terrifying. For the record, I work for myself now and have mostly done so for about 25 years.
I struggle to let things roll off me and to understand when something needs a response, or when there is no point in even thinking about it, let alone responding to it. I am never confident in whether I have appropriately dealt with a problem, or responded correctly to a question, or an issue. I feel most of the time I've made things far worse, by addressing them at all.
This weirdness has not been helped by the couple occasions when I've been blamed for something completely out of my control; once a pipe burst in a room I was in, and the woman of the house - my former spouse's mother - came steaming down the stairs yelling "what did you do?" at me. I was sitting there, stunned that water was suddenly pouring out of a wall behind all the shit she had stacked up there, having had no clue there were pipes there.
I have three adult children and I am fascinated (and envious in a sense) by how expertly they deal with the day-to-day issues they have, and how well they solve work-related stuff, and by their excellent friendships - with each other and with actual friends. I'm also amazed I managed to raise three kids who can do that. I'm very glad my distinct issues seem not to have transferred to them. They're great collaborators and skilled at conflict management and resolution.
I feel unbalanced most of the time where it concerns my emotions: I'm either flat, meaning I feel nothing, or experience far less emotion than someone else might in the same situation, or I'm often full-on torn apart by a comment or event someone else might barely register.
I feel I am always letting people down, never doing the best I can do, cutting corners, being shitty. This is my narcissistic parent speaking, and I know it, but this horror began when I was very young.
Although I know it isn't logical, it is deeply internalized. I've heard it said children raised in such environments are permanently-affected, as the trauma causes changes to their DNA. I haven't read too much on the subject, but colloquially, I'd claim it true.
Where it concerns my siblings, my emotions are particularly hard to manage; I shift between concern for them - they were victimized as much as I was, in different ways - and anger towards them for not taking off the blinders they find so comfortable.
I am very concerned for my one sibling, as they are enmeshed in a not-at-all-positive way with our joint torturer/parent. I have deep concerns as to how this sib will react to this parent's death (this parent being 90 years old presently), and how they will adjust to the absence of this still-narcissistic, parent who has, I understand, added stalking-type behaviours to their contact with this sibling.
At the same time, I am beyond furious at this sibling - for how they have scapegoated me, in concert with our parent, for more than 45 years, how they fail utterly to see how, more and more, they are exhibiting the same characteristics of this parent (and of this parent's own also-narcissistic/BPD parent), for how they protect our abusive parent, how they prey on me for help, but reject any help offered - except when they are in dire straights - and ignore me entirely when whatever crisis they may be having has been solved. Since early this year, my overriding emotion is a desire to literally tie this sibling to a chair and punch them until they feel the deep pain I've felt my entire life.
The other sibling ... I also feel so much fury and anger towards them. I cannot comprehend how they can sleep at all, let alone live day-to-day knowing they are the one-and-only reason none of us will have an inheritance, and why the other sibling has been footing the bills - all of them - for this horrifying parent we share. This sibling has exhibited a bizarre vacillation between having near-murderous feelings toward this parent and attempting to have a relationship with them. For the record, their joint relationship has been spectacularly and catastrophically unstable for most of this sibling's 47 years.
Well-meaning people will often say, "Just let it go," but they truly do not comprehend how children of narcissists experience emotion, and how confused and often fearful those children (who may be adults in their late 50s) are. If we're struggling to wade through a lifetime of it, imagine how little a probably-caring but uneducated person might understand.
The net effect of my inability to appropriately parse and navigate my emotions has been the development - among several issues - of profound body dysmorphia to the point of obsession as a stand-in for dealing with the moving parts.
This dysmorphia coalesced on a specific day when I was 13 years old thanks to an off-hand comment made by a good friend, who I know meant absolutely nothing by it. I was going down the stairs in our school, heading to class - she being on the stair directly behind me - when she made a comment about the structure of my hips and butt. I can remember that moment and I were I in that school, I could walk to the exact place - the exact stair I was on - when she made the comment.
Literally from that moment on, this dysmorphia has been a daily, draining, torturous fixture in my waking life. It is the first thing on my mind when I wake - and I wake three or four times a night - and the last thing on my mind before I fall asleep. It doesn't help my sibling is a fitness professional (driven to some extent as a means for them to cope with their own demons I suppose), who has no shame about shaming me and how I look, whether that be the body scan or an insulting comment.
This dysmorphia is coupled with an ever-growing fear of being in public looking like I do. This is compounded by my having competed in a fitness competition four years ago, and then returning to a normal weight and average strength for a person of my age. Hating how I look also keeps me out of the gym: I'm embarrassed to be "normal" after having become so fit and strong.
In my case, that bucket-list item, the competition, was approached as a means of, "SEE! I'm not gross!" rather than something I pursued purely on my own terms, for my own reasons. I'm now fighting with entrenched dysmorphia made worse by having become very fit and quite thin for that competition, but not having the tools to deal with being a normally-sized person of my age. On the rare occasion I see my sibling, their habit of body-scanning me, and their unshielded look of disgust after that ... it doesn't help, and it makes me want to injure them all the more. Vicious circle for sure.
If you're reading this and wondering why I don't get help, I assure you I have tried. I have used - with some success - one of the on-line counselling services when the issues with my sibling were such I was feeling suicidal. It was very helpful to have a faceless, but experienced psychologist willing to read my long accounts, and make observations and suggestions. To not have to be face-to-face where he could see me, how I look, and to have counselling sessions not diluted by my terror over how I look - it was a good solution.
I have recently sought out mental healthcare services; however, despite physical health care being easy to access and covered under the country's health care plan, mental health services are not covered and are very costly, or if provided on a sliding scale, not dependable.
I need care several times a week for at least a year, but at a cost of about $2000/month, it's impossible to afford. It is not for a lack of desire and willingness to get help; it's a literal inability to afford the care I need. The doctor I saw recently diagnosed me with severe anxiety - filed under "No shit, Sherlock," - and prescribed a specific medication to help. The drug she prescribed has a significant side effect - predictable weight gain. Definitely no bueno. Like 1000 percent no bueno.
I am not in contact with my siblings or my parent - and yes, this is extreme, highly guilt-inducing, and difficult to swallow. I know, however, contact with this parent is poisonous, and contact - currently anyway - with the siblings is likely going to affect me negatively.
I know what it's like to have to talk myself out of walking into traffic or driving into a semi - it is utterly, utterly terrifying to be at that point and to know what might trigger that again, and how bloody close - twice in the last eight years - I came to saying "aw, fuck it," and driving across the line on purpose, despite knowing doing so would end my intense pain but would ruin my own children's and partner's lives.
I cannot stress this enough; when someone is in THAT much despair and so desperate to end their own pain, and they know doing so will have a massive, permanent effect on their loved ones, you MUST understand how unbearable it has become for them.
Neither of these siblings is willing to acknowledge their parts in any of it. They are, at times, like starving dogs with respect to goading me. One of them - maybe both - seems to enjoy pushing me to the point of pure, blinding despair. I don't know what they get out of it but it seems to satisfy something for them. Then again, they learned at the feet of the master, given our parent was ravenous for the high of torturing (in an emotional way) me, teaching them how to scapegoat, and expert at alienating us siblings one from the other. The effects of this parent's efforts are cell-deep and permanent.
A bit of advice for people who like to give advice, particularly to people like me: Just don't.
I guarantee you, if you had a happy or reasonably stable childhood, you cannot possibly understand the chamber of horrors that is a childhood overseen by an angry, unfulfilled narcissistic parent whose sole purpose in life is to create as much pain, despair, fear, sadness as possible as some means of obtaining power, and edifying themselves.
Monday, September 16, 2019
Tuesday, February 12, 2019
Nobody was paying attention....
Last week, my mother moved from her two-story home into a supported living facility - much smaller digs - and the excavation was initiated. Somehow, she has managed to acquire enough stuff for four families, despite being very elderly and a widow....
Among all this stuff, surprisingly, is a small archive of my report cards from a couple grades of elementary school, two from junior high school and one year of high school.
It was riveting and heart-wrenching to read the comments on those reports - all hand-written, dating back as far as 1966.
Our home life was, shall we say, disturbed. My parents fought - not regularly, but spectacularly - and finally separated when I was maybe five, which is the year I started kindergarten. Their relationship was acrimonious. Actually, not "their;" her relationship with him. Brutal. As it was the 60s, we, my younger sister and I, stayed with our mother. My mother has the most spectacular case of narcissism I've ever met, although I didn't know that until maybe 10 years ago. Such affected people do not great parents make....
I read those hand-written comments with a shifting mix of chagrin, anger, embarrassment, and wonder. In all those years, did not one single person - teacher, librarian, principal - ever wonder what was going on? It was the 60s/70s and people didn't meddle back then - certainly not teachers; they had enough on their plates between planning lessons, working five days a week and doing everything by hand, so probably paying attention to the more personal aspects of their students' lives was too far outside their area of attention. I understand that. But.
See, I grew up in total, daily chaos. My mother was always angry about something, angry at me, angry at what I was wearing, how my hair was, who my friends were, how I spoke and acted... you name it, she found something in it to be angry about. I was, until 2013, her scapegoat. I think I still am, but I am out of contact now, so whatever she might say about me, I don't hear, exept for the occasional vitriolic, hateful email she writes that someone forwards to me....
When I was in second grade, the bulk of the comments on my report cards were that I was distracted, occasionally confrontational, not doing well, rushed, missing fundamentals. At home? M mother would pick a fight with me every morning. For a period of a month (I was little; could have been a week, could have been three months; it was fucking terrifying, however long) and then threaten to send me to boarding school. She would pick up the phone in the kitchen and pretend to make calls to some school. The second she started for the phone, I would run upstairs to her bedroom and pick up the handset of the bright orange phone sitting on the table beside her bed to prevent her from making the call. It was terrifying.
So yeah, I was distracted, because I was terrified of what might be happening - what my mother might be doing or calling or planning during the day, or what might happen when I came home after school. It wasn't a maybe; it was a for-sure. If the what-might-happen was relative peace, it was a rarity that was proof of the rule, and the calm before a certain storm later, or the next day, or....
By the time I was in fifth grade, her terror campaign was well established and deeply rooted. My mother reminded me on a regular basis she had people watching me and reporting back to her about what I was up to during the day. Can you imagine what it's like to be an eleven-year-old child who is convinced she's being watched all day, every day??? Like, who do you trust?!
During all this chaos my mother remarried. He was excellent. Really. We'd known him since we were born so he wasn't a stranger at all. He married my mother (the sunday school teacher) because, despite her outwardly puritanical, judgemental views on sex and relationships, they were screwing around and she became pregnant. If you're the puritanical, once-divorced sunday school teacher in a baptist church, in the 70s, you must, at all costs, keep up the appearances....
The upside was he was a great dad and we got a little sister out of it. The downside is we got a little sister out of it and I went from being my mother's constant target to being that, and the scapegoat for ANYTHING she didn't like - my younger sister's teenage behaviour, and anything that our new baby sister did that my mother didn't like. Apparently, I was going around behind her back "teaching them to misbehave." That accusation continued up to about 10 years ago... the 'baby' was 45 years old by then....
When I was in junior high, I was bullied. Endlessly. One guy put his foot in my back and pushed me down a flight of stairs. Later, he took to following me home. In eighth grade, my so-called best friend decided she was furious at me because I'd made one other friend, so she chased me home... with a stick. Then she never spoke to me again. One day couple of girls, twins, waited for me outside the school, the back side, in a corner not visible to the street or windows, threatened me, pushed me off my moving bike, and attempted to steal my bike. In home Ec. class, someone stole my bra while I was trying on a dress I'd made in that class. An hour later, I was horrified to see the boys kicking my bra down the hallway. A boy in several of my classes took any opportunity he could to harass me. One day he decided he hated me and, right outside our science class, he pulled a huge clump of hair out of my head - hurt so much. I wacked him with my binder - and was hauled into the office and chastised for the "friends" I kept. A few months later, he slapped me across the face in full view of an auditorium of kids.... I was ridiculed for my hair, my size, my build. You name it, it was up for target practice. At any point did any teacher or parent step in? Nope.
My mother, of course, was carrying on as "normal" which meant I was never sure what would be on the other side of the front door when I came home after school, but it was never good. Once, when I was 13, it was really, really bad: she was in a fury over how I was doing the dishes - criticizing absolutely everything to the point I began screaming at her to leave alone (this kind of harassment was the usual - almost any time she screamed us into cleaning up, she'd also spend the entire time screaming it wasn't good enough).
This time, she picked up a knife - a 12-inch long, bone-handled, serrated knife she had beside the stove (which, by the way, she was still using 40 years later). She was terrifying anyway, but armed? Holy shit ... so I raced out of the kitchen, up the stairs into the bathroom and locked the door. She kicked the door in and held that knife to my face - in our second-floor bathroom with one of those 60s-style wide side to side, narrow top to bottom windows high up in the wall. You don't know terror until you're pinned against a wall with your crazy-ass mother shaking a knife to your face and threatening you, and there's no escape.
So yeah, my schooling suffered. I was angry. I was scared. I daydreamed. I escaped into a book or up into my head. I looked for any possible means of escape - which, for the record, did not include drugs or alcohol.
Not a single teacher ever asked if I was ok. Not one. In twelve years of school, how many teachers does one have? 60? I know some of this had to do with the era - people didn't meddle and, given divorce was such a horrifying event still - common enough but still considered a morally-contentious choice.
Hilariously/sadly/confusingly, my mother used to write comments back to the teachers on those report cards - it was always their fault I wasn't doing well, and true to her character, she was an exemplary parent, and had expectations for everyone's behaviour. As she'd been a teacher herself, she was bizarrely judgmental, and her imperviousness was more pronounced.
In fifth and sixth grades, I volunteered as a library page in my school. I LOVED that job. The school was always quiet - mornings, 7:30 to 8:30 or so and sometimes after school. It was safe, and provided a legit means of being out of the house. And I really liked the librarian, Mrs. Woods. Like, a LOT. She always had a smile on. She was nice.
Even that bubble was burst, though. When I was 28 years old, I was out for groceries with my two babies - I think I was probably pregnant with my third at the time - and ran into Mrs. Woods. I was really happy to see her. During the conversation, I made the fatal mistake (being a stay-at-home mom at the time and it being the late 80s and being that mothering wasn't necessarily considered a job), of replying "not much" to her question of "What are you doing these days." Her reply was, "Well, you always were a bit lazy." I was DEVASTATED. I wasn't, and I'm not now, lazy; I was an eleven-year-old child with a chaotic, scary home life turning up almost every morning for two school years to shelve books, to get some peace and stability.
I still struggle day-to-day with feeling like I belong, like I have the right to belong, with feeling like I'm not contributing to anything, like I'm failing, like random shit that happens is my fault; like with "bad things wouldn't happen if I weren't around;" with living.
With LIVING.
There was an "into traffic" incident a few years ago - the second, the first being the result of agreeing to go to counselling with my sister, who spent an hour of a two-hour session with her finger in my face, screaming at me. The first "into traffic" incident scared me a LOT and took two weeks to come down from. The second was even worse. I was driving alone on the highway and I struggled for the entire 90 minutes to not drive across the centre line. Semi-trucks are big. The driver is up high. It would be a bump for them. That's where I was in my head for and hour and a half....
My family members don't think I hear their whispers of "well, you know how she is." They don't know how devastating their petty little comments are. They don't acknowledge their actions and they don't understand they scapegoat me, or, if they do, they're somehow justifying such lifelong abuse.
My sister continues to scapegoat me - this month of moving my mother gave her the opportunity to unload her resentment on me - and to be fair, this time she copped to it; she called me to tell me how resentful she is (except she ignores she chose the situation she's in, and that I had zero input into it), so at least there's that - but yet again, after her having unleashed on me, demanding money from me, but refusing to let me understand what she, or my mother actually need, we're back to radio silence and, "Well, you know how she is."
No, they don't know how "she" is, because they don't give a real fuck.
It took me years and years and years, not a little therapy, and total non-contact to get to a place of reasonably good functioning, but there are still moments or interactions that throw me into chaos.
But at least now I have all these report cards spelling out all my faults and failings - why would I be surprised my mother kept them - that will reinforce just how separate I am from the family and how invisible I was at school, and how important it is for my family members to maintain me as the scapegoat.
Update, November 2020:
Since I wrote this, my spouse has gone to bat for me with both my siblings. He has always been firmly in my court, right at my side. The shit he's seen and put up with... a lesser man would have been out. His having met with them/spoken to them and speaking for me - bluntly - took a huge weight off me and, I think, may have given them a level of insight they were surprised by and needed to hear.
Also since then, I engaged a pretty great counsellor, and finally got a diagnosis - CPTSD: complex PTSD. And also since then, I have acquired a copy of our parents' divorce records (these are public and accessible to anyone who wants them, as it turns out), which was unbelievably enlightening, and brought my mother's - and indeed the family's - scapegoating into clear focus. More about this here:
https://stupid-files.blogspot.com/2020/07/raiding-archives.html
Among all this stuff, surprisingly, is a small archive of my report cards from a couple grades of elementary school, two from junior high school and one year of high school.
It was riveting and heart-wrenching to read the comments on those reports - all hand-written, dating back as far as 1966.
Our home life was, shall we say, disturbed. My parents fought - not regularly, but spectacularly - and finally separated when I was maybe five, which is the year I started kindergarten. Their relationship was acrimonious. Actually, not "their;" her relationship with him. Brutal. As it was the 60s, we, my younger sister and I, stayed with our mother. My mother has the most spectacular case of narcissism I've ever met, although I didn't know that until maybe 10 years ago. Such affected people do not great parents make....
I read those hand-written comments with a shifting mix of chagrin, anger, embarrassment, and wonder. In all those years, did not one single person - teacher, librarian, principal - ever wonder what was going on? It was the 60s/70s and people didn't meddle back then - certainly not teachers; they had enough on their plates between planning lessons, working five days a week and doing everything by hand, so probably paying attention to the more personal aspects of their students' lives was too far outside their area of attention. I understand that. But.
See, I grew up in total, daily chaos. My mother was always angry about something, angry at me, angry at what I was wearing, how my hair was, who my friends were, how I spoke and acted... you name it, she found something in it to be angry about. I was, until 2013, her scapegoat. I think I still am, but I am out of contact now, so whatever she might say about me, I don't hear, exept for the occasional vitriolic, hateful email she writes that someone forwards to me....
When I was in second grade, the bulk of the comments on my report cards were that I was distracted, occasionally confrontational, not doing well, rushed, missing fundamentals. At home? M mother would pick a fight with me every morning. For a period of a month (I was little; could have been a week, could have been three months; it was fucking terrifying, however long) and then threaten to send me to boarding school. She would pick up the phone in the kitchen and pretend to make calls to some school. The second she started for the phone, I would run upstairs to her bedroom and pick up the handset of the bright orange phone sitting on the table beside her bed to prevent her from making the call. It was terrifying.
So yeah, I was distracted, because I was terrified of what might be happening - what my mother might be doing or calling or planning during the day, or what might happen when I came home after school. It wasn't a maybe; it was a for-sure. If the what-might-happen was relative peace, it was a rarity that was proof of the rule, and the calm before a certain storm later, or the next day, or....
By the time I was in fifth grade, her terror campaign was well established and deeply rooted. My mother reminded me on a regular basis she had people watching me and reporting back to her about what I was up to during the day. Can you imagine what it's like to be an eleven-year-old child who is convinced she's being watched all day, every day??? Like, who do you trust?!
During all this chaos my mother remarried. He was excellent. Really. We'd known him since we were born so he wasn't a stranger at all. He married my mother (the sunday school teacher) because, despite her outwardly puritanical, judgemental views on sex and relationships, they were screwing around and she became pregnant. If you're the puritanical, once-divorced sunday school teacher in a baptist church, in the 70s, you must, at all costs, keep up the appearances....
The upside was he was a great dad and we got a little sister out of it. The downside is we got a little sister out of it and I went from being my mother's constant target to being that, and the scapegoat for ANYTHING she didn't like - my younger sister's teenage behaviour, and anything that our new baby sister did that my mother didn't like. Apparently, I was going around behind her back "teaching them to misbehave." That accusation continued up to about 10 years ago... the 'baby' was 45 years old by then....
When I was in junior high, I was bullied. Endlessly. One guy put his foot in my back and pushed me down a flight of stairs. Later, he took to following me home. In eighth grade, my so-called best friend decided she was furious at me because I'd made one other friend, so she chased me home... with a stick. Then she never spoke to me again. One day couple of girls, twins, waited for me outside the school, the back side, in a corner not visible to the street or windows, threatened me, pushed me off my moving bike, and attempted to steal my bike. In home Ec. class, someone stole my bra while I was trying on a dress I'd made in that class. An hour later, I was horrified to see the boys kicking my bra down the hallway. A boy in several of my classes took any opportunity he could to harass me. One day he decided he hated me and, right outside our science class, he pulled a huge clump of hair out of my head - hurt so much. I wacked him with my binder - and was hauled into the office and chastised for the "friends" I kept. A few months later, he slapped me across the face in full view of an auditorium of kids.... I was ridiculed for my hair, my size, my build. You name it, it was up for target practice. At any point did any teacher or parent step in? Nope.
My mother, of course, was carrying on as "normal" which meant I was never sure what would be on the other side of the front door when I came home after school, but it was never good. Once, when I was 13, it was really, really bad: she was in a fury over how I was doing the dishes - criticizing absolutely everything to the point I began screaming at her to leave alone (this kind of harassment was the usual - almost any time she screamed us into cleaning up, she'd also spend the entire time screaming it wasn't good enough).
This time, she picked up a knife - a 12-inch long, bone-handled, serrated knife she had beside the stove (which, by the way, she was still using 40 years later). She was terrifying anyway, but armed? Holy shit ... so I raced out of the kitchen, up the stairs into the bathroom and locked the door. She kicked the door in and held that knife to my face - in our second-floor bathroom with one of those 60s-style wide side to side, narrow top to bottom windows high up in the wall. You don't know terror until you're pinned against a wall with your crazy-ass mother shaking a knife to your face and threatening you, and there's no escape.
So yeah, my schooling suffered. I was angry. I was scared. I daydreamed. I escaped into a book or up into my head. I looked for any possible means of escape - which, for the record, did not include drugs or alcohol.
Not a single teacher ever asked if I was ok. Not one. In twelve years of school, how many teachers does one have? 60? I know some of this had to do with the era - people didn't meddle and, given divorce was such a horrifying event still - common enough but still considered a morally-contentious choice.
Hilariously/sadly/confusingly, my mother used to write comments back to the teachers on those report cards - it was always their fault I wasn't doing well, and true to her character, she was an exemplary parent, and had expectations for everyone's behaviour. As she'd been a teacher herself, she was bizarrely judgmental, and her imperviousness was more pronounced.
In fifth and sixth grades, I volunteered as a library page in my school. I LOVED that job. The school was always quiet - mornings, 7:30 to 8:30 or so and sometimes after school. It was safe, and provided a legit means of being out of the house. And I really liked the librarian, Mrs. Woods. Like, a LOT. She always had a smile on. She was nice.
Even that bubble was burst, though. When I was 28 years old, I was out for groceries with my two babies - I think I was probably pregnant with my third at the time - and ran into Mrs. Woods. I was really happy to see her. During the conversation, I made the fatal mistake (being a stay-at-home mom at the time and it being the late 80s and being that mothering wasn't necessarily considered a job), of replying "not much" to her question of "What are you doing these days." Her reply was, "Well, you always were a bit lazy." I was DEVASTATED. I wasn't, and I'm not now, lazy; I was an eleven-year-old child with a chaotic, scary home life turning up almost every morning for two school years to shelve books, to get some peace and stability.
I still struggle day-to-day with feeling like I belong, like I have the right to belong, with feeling like I'm not contributing to anything, like I'm failing, like random shit that happens is my fault; like with "bad things wouldn't happen if I weren't around;" with living.
With LIVING.
There was an "into traffic" incident a few years ago - the second, the first being the result of agreeing to go to counselling with my sister, who spent an hour of a two-hour session with her finger in my face, screaming at me. The first "into traffic" incident scared me a LOT and took two weeks to come down from. The second was even worse. I was driving alone on the highway and I struggled for the entire 90 minutes to not drive across the centre line. Semi-trucks are big. The driver is up high. It would be a bump for them. That's where I was in my head for and hour and a half....
My family members don't think I hear their whispers of "well, you know how she is." They don't know how devastating their petty little comments are. They don't acknowledge their actions and they don't understand they scapegoat me, or, if they do, they're somehow justifying such lifelong abuse.
My sister continues to scapegoat me - this month of moving my mother gave her the opportunity to unload her resentment on me - and to be fair, this time she copped to it; she called me to tell me how resentful she is (except she ignores she chose the situation she's in, and that I had zero input into it), so at least there's that - but yet again, after her having unleashed on me, demanding money from me, but refusing to let me understand what she, or my mother actually need, we're back to radio silence and, "Well, you know how she is."
No, they don't know how "she" is, because they don't give a real fuck.
It took me years and years and years, not a little therapy, and total non-contact to get to a place of reasonably good functioning, but there are still moments or interactions that throw me into chaos.
Update, November 2020:
Since I wrote this, my spouse has gone to bat for me with both my siblings. He has always been firmly in my court, right at my side. The shit he's seen and put up with... a lesser man would have been out. His having met with them/spoken to them and speaking for me - bluntly - took a huge weight off me and, I think, may have given them a level of insight they were surprised by and needed to hear.
Also since then, I engaged a pretty great counsellor, and finally got a diagnosis - CPTSD: complex PTSD. And also since then, I have acquired a copy of our parents' divorce records (these are public and accessible to anyone who wants them, as it turns out), which was unbelievably enlightening, and brought my mother's - and indeed the family's - scapegoating into clear focus. More about this here:
https://stupid-files.blogspot.com/2020/07/raiding-archives.html
Friday, May 05, 2017
The dogs of hell. #unleashed
.... you narcissistic, conceited, self-centred old boot! In almost 80 years what have you done? What have you contributed besides three girls who never had a mother but who suffered through your endless, ridiculous fits and tantrums; who lost their fathers - yes, two of them - due to your fucked up world view; whose childhoods..... never mind: what childhoods?
And now that you've achieved (yet again on the backs of others, having done little to contribute and nothing to deserve) living quarters in a place you can show off from, you're still making every one's life a living fucking hell! Are you never ever satisfied? And for the record; nobody cares a damn about where you live, how big 'your' house is, how 'expensive all these horses are' or about your 'rich clients.' Nothing. Not one bit do we care about any of that. Nobody does. Only you. And no, none of that has anything to do with you. You're still a fucked up, mean, old woman.
You're stupid beyond comprehension to believe that any of that has anything to do with you or any reflection on you. You are nothing to anyone beyond being the crazy, bitch of an old lady who lives in that house. Yeah, the house that most people have begun avoiding just to stay away from you.
Here's the truth you old bitch. You are a joke. Full on. There's barely a soul whose spent more than a day with you who doesn't know you're as fake as a wooden nickel and measurably less useful. There isn't a soul who doesn't know you're a poser and a liar and a conceited idiot.
Are you three years old? Are you still that spoiled bratty little kid? Fuck! Grow up already! Isn't it time you made some steps toward being a human rather than the most disgusting, painful, stinking putrid boil on all our asses? Is this your legacy? You're going to go down in history as one of the most despised people there ever was?
What did you ever do for anyone?
Your kids? You spent years and years and years poisoning them against others - their dad! Their grandparents; their aunts and uncles; their cousins and even them against themselves, and you spent years poisoning others against them! Who does that to their own children? You could write a book on how to abuse, isolate and ruin a child.
We never learned to love. Oh sure, we heard all about it - you stuffed your stupid false pack of religious lies down out throats hard enough to choke the life and spirit out of us but we never saw anything even remotely close to 'love' from you. You have always been to busy making everything, every event about you. You are the 100% pur laine version of a narcissistic asshole.
You taught us how to never trust, never believe -even in ourselves: oh never mind; you never gave us any reason there was anything about us to believe in. We were the shite that trailed about your house making a wreck of your life. Yeah. Forgot.
Everything's about you. Everything that goes 'wrong' is about you; everything that anyone does is to 'make you look bad.' Let me tell you this: you do a fine, fine job all by yourself; you have not for one second needed anyone else to make you look bad.
And now you've resorted to 11 p.m. temper tantrums forcing your daughter, who's been working 6 a.m to 11 p.m. for weeks, to come chasing after you so you don't get your idiotic ass killed on the highway because you're such a fucking attention-seeking baby! And then you take two or three hours of another daughter's time having yet another poor-me tantrum? Fuck you. You know why they didn't call me??? Because I will tell you the truth.
You're the worst of the worst. We put up with you. Tolerate. That is it. We do NOT like you and there's no way we've even thought about loving you. You're less lovable than a ton of squashed maggots.
Here's the reality that you choose to blind yourself to.
You've been married to TWO pretty decent, hard-working men, both of whom provided everything for you and your children. You haven't worked a full day since something like the spring of 1961. Busy work does not count and neither does the copious time you've spend meddling in other people's lives and trash bins! What the hell is up with that!?
You have three children who are all blessed with great minds and health and strength but whose spirits you stomped and killed over and over again because you are incapable of tolerating anything you perceive as competition, even from a two year old baby.
You have lived in a wonderful home - that someone else paid for; you now live in another wonderful home - that someone else is paying for; yet, you have never been happy because neither home has been big enough or rich enough for full of enough costly things THINGS! that you could show off, as if those THINGS somehow make you a decent person in any respect.
You have an excellent education that you've squandered.
You've had friends, all of whom you've alienated at best and many of whom you've caused to hate you, despise you, distrust you and laugh at you.
The one thing that saves me from hating you entirely is that I'm sure you know, somewhere in your fucked up, denial-bound mind that you've created this hell and now you have to maintain it. Anything else would require you to be honest to yourself and about yourself and you are far too self-centred and false to even consider that option, so hell for all concerned it is.
I'm sure you wish, as much as I do, that you were dead. That is the one thing that saves you and - you can take some of your weird brand of comfort in this - keeps us bound in the hell you seems so determined to keep burning.
Dear LGBTQ....
Dear Non-binary people;
I get it. You struggle: for recognition; for equality; for safety; for compassion; for acceptance. I get it, and I know it has been, and will continue to be for some time yet, probably, difficult and frustrating. I also get it you hate labels. You don't want to be different, outsiders, unacceptable, sinners, disgusting... labels suck. You're human.
So when you create new terms - labels - for me, in your terminology CIS-gendered, you apply the same de-humanising tactics you're desperate to stop. Because I'm also human. That I don't occupy any of the letters of LGBTQ does not render me weird or lesser.
I get it; you don't want to be marginalized
Labels blow. For everyone. The only viable label is HUMAN.
or invisible, but creating labels for people whose lifestyles, genders, genitals, orientations you don't like, understand or live, doesn't make your struggle easier.
Friday, February 12, 2016
Street Preacher's dilemma: Claims evidence, but is pissed off when asked to show it....
UPDATE:Frustratingly, the person with whom I had this conversation never replied to these questions, became very upset to the point of hostility and blocked further communication.
Prior to running off to hide from questions he was unwilling or incapable of answering (mostly because I think he was pretty uncomfortable with the answers he might have had to come up with), he did say I had been pretty convincing and were he looking to leave religion, he'd have to consider this stuff. I asked him exactly what he would be incapable of doing, with respect to the street people he works with, if he had no religion at all: he did reply "Nothing," but qualified it all with stuff I no longer have access too.... bummer.
Also unfortunately, and this is my error, because he blocked me, the rest of the conversation is no longer visible. I'm annoyed by that, as I'm quoting him without evidence here. Not fully kosher.
He continues to work as a street preacher - part of a group that is vocally anti-human with respect to LGBT people, and implicated in several legal proceedings in this city, as a result of his group entering City Hall in a manner City Hall found threatening, and which caused City Hall to be evacuated and locked down more than 30 times.
Also, I'm sorry to report, this guy has doubled down and become even more entrenched. His Facebook is (sorry, mean) laughable. His group has engaged in such stupid tactics including engaging one of their more stupid members, a bus driver, to refuse to drive a bus with ads from the LGBT community on the outside, as it somehow removed his freedom of religion (it does not in any way, and he didn't have any issues driving buses with ads for birth control, or bars that use blatantly sexual means to advertise)... so dumb.. and then that pawn tried to run for mayor. I think he had about 60 votes, all from his church pals. Idiotic.
Anyway, if you are a religious person, and you're interested in answering those questions below, I'd be super fascinated to have your answers.
__________________________________________________________________
Prior to running off to hide from questions he was unwilling or incapable of answering (mostly because I think he was pretty uncomfortable with the answers he might have had to come up with), he did say I had been pretty convincing and were he looking to leave religion, he'd have to consider this stuff. I asked him exactly what he would be incapable of doing, with respect to the street people he works with, if he had no religion at all: he did reply "Nothing," but qualified it all with stuff I no longer have access too.... bummer.
Also unfortunately, and this is my error, because he blocked me, the rest of the conversation is no longer visible. I'm annoyed by that, as I'm quoting him without evidence here. Not fully kosher.
He continues to work as a street preacher - part of a group that is vocally anti-human with respect to LGBT people, and implicated in several legal proceedings in this city, as a result of his group entering City Hall in a manner City Hall found threatening, and which caused City Hall to be evacuated and locked down more than 30 times.
Also, I'm sorry to report, this guy has doubled down and become even more entrenched. His Facebook is (sorry, mean) laughable. His group has engaged in such stupid tactics including engaging one of their more stupid members, a bus driver, to refuse to drive a bus with ads from the LGBT community on the outside, as it somehow removed his freedom of religion (it does not in any way, and he didn't have any issues driving buses with ads for birth control, or bars that use blatantly sexual means to advertise)... so dumb.. and then that pawn tried to run for mayor. I think he had about 60 votes, all from his church pals. Idiotic.
Anyway, if you are a religious person, and you're interested in answering those questions below, I'd be super fascinated to have your answers.
__________________________________________________________________
- Today
Thursday, February 11, 2016
GMO debate
It is not at all uncommon for me to kick the proverbial hornet's nest on this subject.
As I note in this conversation, I have a good friend, Dr. Cami Ryan, who is an expert in this field, and contact with another person, the public affairs officer for Monsanto, who is Cami's friend, who advised me on a bunch of these issues.
The short form is this:
GMOs are common, ubiquitous and SAFE, and consumed by humans and livestock for more than 70 years.
Glyphosate is an effective, low-risk, fast-dispersing herbicide that has been in use for more than 60 years.
These things are facts, supported by science and frankly indisputable, but disputed they are.
Here's today's convo:
JM I totally disagree with you and that is fine. Blessings and be happy not angry and the Monsanto tragedy will continue.
As I note in this conversation, I have a good friend, Dr. Cami Ryan, who is an expert in this field, and contact with another person, the public affairs officer for Monsanto, who is Cami's friend, who advised me on a bunch of these issues.
The short form is this:
GMOs are common, ubiquitous and SAFE, and consumed by humans and livestock for more than 70 years.
Glyphosate is an effective, low-risk, fast-dispersing herbicide that has been in use for more than 60 years.
These things are facts, supported by science and frankly indisputable, but disputed they are.
Here's today's convo:
There are so many ways I've lost respect for this
guy in the last decade, from the middlingly awful music they've been making for
years, to having their latest album appear unbidden in my iTunes. More annoying
than anything.
But this is a whole new level of evil. Damn, Bono.
But this is a whole new level of evil. Damn, Bono.
Orignal POST
·
Bono the bone head!
As his career continues to free fall into total
irrelevance, pop star "Bono" of the rock group U2 has announced his
support for a U.S.-backed plan to pillage Africa by…
GLOBALRESEARCH.CA
BF
So disappointing
JM: boo
JC: 1. This:
http://rationalwiki.org/wiki/Globalresearch
2. This
http://www.skepticalraptor.com/.../your-one-stop-shop.../
For more than 70 years, GMO tech has been part of our landscape. Despite so much garbage, non-research, conspiracy, full-on-bullshit about it, the facts are CLEAR CLEAR CLEAR: the careful, thoughtful, science-based, heavily regulated manipulation of genes in order to produce excellent quality, drought/disease/pest-resistant foods/grains is NOT DANGEROUS.
It is CRITICAL to understand the realities of modification - and how lab modification differs from all the other types of modifications that happen to food.
As for the source of this article, PLEASE people... seriously??? Such a deep pit of bullshit is this organisation.
http://rationalwiki.org/wiki/Globalresearch
2. This
http://www.skepticalraptor.com/.../your-one-stop-shop.../
For more than 70 years, GMO tech has been part of our landscape. Despite so much garbage, non-research, conspiracy, full-on-bullshit about it, the facts are CLEAR CLEAR CLEAR: the careful, thoughtful, science-based, heavily regulated manipulation of genes in order to produce excellent quality, drought/disease/pest-resistant foods/grains is NOT DANGEROUS.
It is CRITICAL to understand the realities of modification - and how lab modification differs from all the other types of modifications that happen to food.
As for the source of this article, PLEASE people... seriously??? Such a deep pit of bullshit is this organisation.
Globalresearch (under the domain names
globalresearch.ca andglobalresearch.org)
is the website of the Montreal-based non-profit The Centre for Research on
Globalisation (CRG) founded by Michel Chossudovsky,[2][3] a tenured professor
at the University of Ottawa.[4] Weep for the future.
RATIONALWIKI.ORG
JC: As for Bono being a humanitarian, and making
sustainable crops more of a reality, ABSOLUTELY. Because things are hard to
grow in arid climates first of all, and doubly difficult where the soil is poor
and pests are a major factor.
It's all well and good for us who are so spoiled by an ample, safe food supply to dictate what should happen in Africa - or to ignore the huge rates of starvation there - assessed at one person per every TWO SECONDS. If GMO seed can provide viable foodsources, then YES. Because there is ZERO risk to human health, and even if there were (and there is NOT) compared to 30 people starving every minute, don't you think it's worth the risk??
It's all well and good for us who are so spoiled by an ample, safe food supply to dictate what should happen in Africa - or to ignore the huge rates of starvation there - assessed at one person per every TWO SECONDS. If GMO seed can provide viable foodsources, then YES. Because there is ZERO risk to human health, and even if there were (and there is NOT) compared to 30 people starving every minute, don't you think it's worth the risk??
MOMSACROSSAMERICA.COM
JM Studies coming out
indicate high glyphosphate levels in humans and autism , alzheimers, allergies,
birth defects, ADHD, Just a few... No studies have been done proving the safety
of GMO foods. Now is the time to do this.
JM The starvation has
alot to do with dictators who steal all the $$ and put in swiss bank accounts and
never develop infrastructure in preparation for drought times. It is the
downfall of Africa. GMO crops are not the solution.
JC: Yet another ridiculous, ill-informed,
fear-mongering site. This group is TINY and is made up of, to be frank,
uneducated idiots who believe all sorts of bullshit.
AS for glyphosate That is ALSO BULLSHIT.
Glyphosate ONLY affects PLANT enzymes. It is highly volatile in that it dissipates within very few days. It does NOT remain in the plant and even if it did, it CANNOT have any effect on humans, as we do NOT have the enzyme affected by this product. Further to this, the amounts used on fields is VERY small. One gallon is enough to do hundreds and hundreds of acres.
AS for glyphosate That is ALSO BULLSHIT.
Glyphosate ONLY affects PLANT enzymes. It is highly volatile in that it dissipates within very few days. It does NOT remain in the plant and even if it did, it CANNOT have any effect on humans, as we do NOT have the enzyme affected by this product. Further to this, the amounts used on fields is VERY small. One gallon is enough to do hundreds and hundreds of acres.
JC Jane.
A lot, not "alot." Your point here has zero relationship to the subject
at hand, and it is an unfounded opinion.
GM crops are not the whole solution, true but they are a HUGE part of it.
Also, can I ask you if you've recently eaten an apple, banana, pear or any broccoli, because if you have - regardless of whether you also buy in to the also-bullshity "organic" fad, you are eating GM foods. For SURE.,
GM crops are not the whole solution, true but they are a HUGE part of it.
Also, can I ask you if you've recently eaten an apple, banana, pear or any broccoli, because if you have - regardless of whether you also buy in to the also-bullshity "organic" fad, you are eating GM foods. For SURE.,
JC: JM, go to www.rationalwiki.com and
look up Moms Across America. Seriously. That group is ridiculously idiotic.
JC: JM, Show me those studies. Provide links.
I promise you I will debunk, with prejudice, every study you post.
SM So JC - tell us how
Monsanto's independant safety testing and licensing works devil emoticon...and
while you're at it can you explain why you think Glyphosate is safe.
JC: I'd love to reply to both of those.
When I was researching Monsanto, I called them. I spoke to the public policy lead and picked her brain. She spoke to me for an hour and then sent me loads of independently reviewed research. She also directed me to a vast external resource, all public.
As for glyphosate, again. There is endless publicly available information and independently-reviewed science on this product and subject. Yes, If you wish I will go into my archives and post everthing I have, which will provide you all about two weeks of reading materials. Or, you can do what I did, call Monsanto and, if you're near a location, go visit - they run. Daily tours of all facilities and their staff is free to speak. Ask them about the science.
Glyphosate is an extremely safe, low dose, short life herbicide. It ONLY affects a certain plant enzyme which humans do not have. It has been in use more than 60 years and I'd it were dangerous we would see evidence and the US. And Canadian food safety organizations would have pulled it. Facts do not support the idea it is unsafe.
Please read everything I've written and posted tonight rather than me rewriting it all again
When I was researching Monsanto, I called them. I spoke to the public policy lead and picked her brain. She spoke to me for an hour and then sent me loads of independently reviewed research. She also directed me to a vast external resource, all public.
As for glyphosate, again. There is endless publicly available information and independently-reviewed science on this product and subject. Yes, If you wish I will go into my archives and post everthing I have, which will provide you all about two weeks of reading materials. Or, you can do what I did, call Monsanto and, if you're near a location, go visit - they run. Daily tours of all facilities and their staff is free to speak. Ask them about the science.
Glyphosate is an extremely safe, low dose, short life herbicide. It ONLY affects a certain plant enzyme which humans do not have. It has been in use more than 60 years and I'd it were dangerous we would see evidence and the US. And Canadian food safety organizations would have pulled it. Facts do not support the idea it is unsafe.
Please read everything I've written and posted tonight rather than me rewriting it all again
JC: As to the article, let us parse:
1. "As his career continues to free fall into total irrelevance..." This is opinion, not fact and does not reference the excellent initiatives Bono has begun or is affiliated with. Also, as the band has been at it for something like 30 years, and still plays to absolutely CRAMMED stadiums, this opinion is not in any imaginable way supported by facts.
2. "... his support for a U.S.-backed plan to pillage Africa by stealing its land and agricultural systems and replacing them with corporate-owned GMOs (genetically-modified organisms) and chemicals."
The US does NOT have a "plan to pillage Africa." Africa is a continent, not a country; each African country has its own government (or dictator, as the case may be), so it is IMPOSSIBLE for the US to pillage the entire continent.
The US does NOT have any plans to steal land, or ag systems in Africa. The US could not begin to afford the wars it would take to overthrow various governments in order to enact this "evil" plan. Yes, GMOs are produced by corporations that have the R&D heft to allow for their development and testing, but that has no bearing on anything. There are five large and many smaller corporations that are engaged in the science of modification.
3. "/The Obama regime." This is bullshit. Obama is the duly-elected president of a country with free elections. It is NOT a regime. Dictatorships are regimes. Saudi Arabia has a regime. Obama was elected. He is not a despot and he didn't wrest power from anyone by force.
4. "New Alliance for Food Security and Nutrition,” a thinly-veiled Green Revolution 2.0 that aims to uproot autonomous family farming systems throughout Africa and replace them with toxic monoculture systems controlled by multinational corporations like Monsanto."
Also bullshit. Monoculture is NOT the goal, first of all: even a mediocre scientist will tell you that narrowing the gene pool leads to bad things. See the Hawaiian papaya issue for a case study.
I'm only two paragraphs in to this stupid article and disgusted by it. It is fact-free, biased, fear mongering crap designed for people who see conspiracy under every rock. It is beneath thinking people to buy into this garbage.
1. "As his career continues to free fall into total irrelevance..." This is opinion, not fact and does not reference the excellent initiatives Bono has begun or is affiliated with. Also, as the band has been at it for something like 30 years, and still plays to absolutely CRAMMED stadiums, this opinion is not in any imaginable way supported by facts.
2. "... his support for a U.S.-backed plan to pillage Africa by stealing its land and agricultural systems and replacing them with corporate-owned GMOs (genetically-modified organisms) and chemicals."
The US does NOT have a "plan to pillage Africa." Africa is a continent, not a country; each African country has its own government (or dictator, as the case may be), so it is IMPOSSIBLE for the US to pillage the entire continent.
The US does NOT have any plans to steal land, or ag systems in Africa. The US could not begin to afford the wars it would take to overthrow various governments in order to enact this "evil" plan. Yes, GMOs are produced by corporations that have the R&D heft to allow for their development and testing, but that has no bearing on anything. There are five large and many smaller corporations that are engaged in the science of modification.
3. "/The Obama regime." This is bullshit. Obama is the duly-elected president of a country with free elections. It is NOT a regime. Dictatorships are regimes. Saudi Arabia has a regime. Obama was elected. He is not a despot and he didn't wrest power from anyone by force.
4. "New Alliance for Food Security and Nutrition,” a thinly-veiled Green Revolution 2.0 that aims to uproot autonomous family farming systems throughout Africa and replace them with toxic monoculture systems controlled by multinational corporations like Monsanto."
Also bullshit. Monoculture is NOT the goal, first of all: even a mediocre scientist will tell you that narrowing the gene pool leads to bad things. See the Hawaiian papaya issue for a case study.
I'm only two paragraphs in to this stupid article and disgusted by it. It is fact-free, biased, fear mongering crap designed for people who see conspiracy under every rock. It is beneath thinking people to buy into this garbage.
JM I totally disagree with you and that is fine. Blessings and be happy not angry and the Monsanto tragedy will continue.
JC: JM, Rational Wiki on Glyphosate - and
particularly, read the parts under "Woo" (short for Woo woo and an
nicer way to say "full-on bullshit).
http://rationalwiki.org/wiki/Glyphosate
And here for some exposing of the "gullible" MAA.
http://kfolta.blogspot.ca/.../the-gullible-moms-across...
http://rationalwiki.org/wiki/Glyphosate
And here for some exposing of the "gullible" MAA.
http://kfolta.blogspot.ca/.../the-gullible-moms-across...
Glyphosate is a synthetic herbicide that is widely
used in farming, especially since the introduction of glyphosate-tolerant
strains of crops have been introduced via genetic engineering, and has been
historically produced by agricultural biotechnical company Monsanto under the
trademark "Roundup",…
RATIONALWIKI.ORG
3,405,870 Views
If your
choice in underwear was connected to suicides in India, would you pay more
attention to the panties you buy?
JC: Again, totally irrelevant to the discussion at
hand. I've provided you excellent links and Google is a wonderful place for
assessing the validity of claims.
JM: I follow Vandana Shiva. She is a very
educated scientist from India. This is what has already happened in India.
JC This
person:???
Wealthy Activist Vandana Shiva Is A Poor Advocate For The ...
http://www.forbes.com/.../a-wealthy-activist-is-a.../...
Jul 16, 2014 - Vandana Shiva advocates policies that will inflict widespread poverty, malnutrition, and death on the very people she claims to champion.
Vandana Shiva's Crusade Against Genetically Modified Crops
www.newyorker.com/magazine/2014/08/25/seeds-of-doubt
Aug 25, 2014 - Michael Specter on Vandana Shiva, an activist who accuses biotechnology companies such as Monsanto of imposing “food totalitarianism.
Vandana Shiva: 'Rock Star' of GMO protest movement has anti
https://www.geneticliteracyproject.org/glp.../vandana-shiva/
Sep 1, 2015 - In a 2012 interview, Bill Moyers referred to Vandana Shiva as the "rock star" of the anti-GMO movement. What are the facts behind the curtain?
Um.... I think you need to do some homework on your guru....
Wealthy Activist Vandana Shiva Is A Poor Advocate For The ...
http://www.forbes.com/.../a-wealthy-activist-is-a.../...
Jul 16, 2014 - Vandana Shiva advocates policies that will inflict widespread poverty, malnutrition, and death on the very people she claims to champion.
Vandana Shiva's Crusade Against Genetically Modified Crops
www.newyorker.com/magazine/2014/08/25/seeds-of-doubt
Aug 25, 2014 - Michael Specter on Vandana Shiva, an activist who accuses biotechnology companies such as Monsanto of imposing “food totalitarianism.
Vandana Shiva: 'Rock Star' of GMO protest movement has anti
https://www.geneticliteracyproject.org/glp.../vandana-shiva/
Sep 1, 2015 - In a 2012 interview, Bill Moyers referred to Vandana Shiva as the "rock star" of the anti-GMO movement. What are the facts behind the curtain?
Um.... I think you need to do some homework on your guru....
FORBES.COM
SURGICALNEUROLOGYINT.COM
JM: These articles are
published by scientists. You can find anything on the internet to prove your
point. Does not make it correct. i have studied this serious issue extensively.
JC: I claim bullshit. If you had, you'd have
changed you stance. And yes, science is the best source of information on
science-based issues, unless you think opinion caries more weight than 60 years
of research.
GLOBALRESEARCH.CA
JC: Did you
actually read this, Jane? Can you find any errors in science?
JC: Um... Dear
Jane. The problem here is that you did not read the
background on the source, Global Research, and so you are posting really,
really bad resources that use really, really bad science. This article is
EASILY debunked.
Maybe try running it through www.rbutr.com
As a matter of fact, this entire GMO issue is excellently parsed through Rbutr. Great resource. Also Snopes.
Maybe try running it through www.rbutr.com
As a matter of fact, this entire GMO issue is excellently parsed through Rbutr. Great resource. Also Snopes.
rbutr helps you find rbutls to any page you read on
the internet so that you can get a complete view of all sides of the
discussion.
RBUTR.COM
JH: JC, whether or not you believe that GMO foods
are safe: there remains the question of the right to self-determination vs. the
kind of paternalistic colonialist enterprising we've seen ravage cultures and
ecologies throughout the world. The African Civil Organizations stand against.
Doesn't that matter to you? Or do you know better?
Also - do you really think that using Monsanto crops, which require an intensive chemical regime to create good yields, is a good idea for people or planet, in Africa or elsewhere?
I don't. I think some big interests are going to make some big money, create an unsustainable dependency on non-compassionate foreign corporations, and further undermine local ecologies and intelligences in the process.
There are MANY ways to improve arid landscapes. Is big Ag interested in sharing the planet- and people-friendly methods that permaculturists have been developing for decades? At all? No. Out of the goodness of their hearts? No. Give your head a shake. They're in it for money, they don't care about people's right to self-determination, and they sure as hell don't care about getting more food to Africans. They care about more CUSTOMERS. That is all.
Question to you: who edits your Rational Wiki? Are you aware that many large organizations - particularly big pharma and big Ag - have full-time staff that aggressively monitor wikis to ensure their propaganda stays front and centre, and reasonable criticisms (and the studies that support them) get buried? Do you really think that Rational Wiki is any less biased than Global Research? You are completely entitled to your favorite sources, the ones that align with your biases, but don't BS yourself that yours are "The Truth".
Also - do you really think that using Monsanto crops, which require an intensive chemical regime to create good yields, is a good idea for people or planet, in Africa or elsewhere?
I don't. I think some big interests are going to make some big money, create an unsustainable dependency on non-compassionate foreign corporations, and further undermine local ecologies and intelligences in the process.
There are MANY ways to improve arid landscapes. Is big Ag interested in sharing the planet- and people-friendly methods that permaculturists have been developing for decades? At all? No. Out of the goodness of their hearts? No. Give your head a shake. They're in it for money, they don't care about people's right to self-determination, and they sure as hell don't care about getting more food to Africans. They care about more CUSTOMERS. That is all.
Question to you: who edits your Rational Wiki? Are you aware that many large organizations - particularly big pharma and big Ag - have full-time staff that aggressively monitor wikis to ensure their propaganda stays front and centre, and reasonable criticisms (and the studies that support them) get buried? Do you really think that Rational Wiki is any less biased than Global Research? You are completely entitled to your favorite sources, the ones that align with your biases, but don't BS yourself that yours are "The Truth".
I don't "believe." The science is crystal
clear. You eat GMO EVER Day and have for your entire life.
These are all tropes based on conspiracy. I
personally know two people who work with Monsanto. I trust the science and I
trust these scientists. The information that counters these claims is readily
had.
People are welcome to their opinions but not to have these false, conspiracy based statements go unchallenged.
As for a Rational Wiki I don't know the answer to that question but the have a contact and FAQ page. Call and ask.
People are welcome to their opinions but not to have these false, conspiracy based statements go unchallenged.
As for a Rational Wiki I don't know the answer to that question but the have a contact and FAQ page. Call and ask.
JH: Truly I say to you, Bono is an ass. Posting
this because I find it amusing and clearly there will be no actual exchange of
ideas here. Just a lot of shouting in the dark. So, something funny.
http://theconcourse.deadspin.com/truly-i-say-to-you-today...
http://theconcourse.deadspin.com/truly-i-say-to-you-today...
THECONCOURSE.DEADSPIN.COM|BY ALBERT BURNEKO
JH: Trusting science as a system and trusting
Monsanto reps saying their products are safe are not the same thing.
BH: Just a thought it is possible Julie to have a
healthy debate without being demeaning and condescending to those you are
debating with. I hope you're not an educator cause your students would be
afraid of you.
JH2: Awe this is sad. Money hungry asses unsure
emoticon those poor people in Africa. Commercialism is not alright. This
article is was very good at providing valid points on mega co operations
wanting to make revenue at their cultural's expense. Geez unsure emoticon
wanting to make revenue at their cultural's expense. Geez unsure emoticon
JH2: ^^^^That
is how I feel about that !!!! frown emoticon
JH: And for
more fun... JC I think you'll
find this an interesting read. Conspiracies do actually happen. Not everyone
who mistrusts the powerful is an idiot. Governments and businesses do not
always tell the expensive truth about their illegal or unethical practices.
http://www.nytimes.com/.../the-lawyer-who-became-duponts...
http://www.nytimes.com/.../the-lawyer-who-became-duponts...
NYTIMES.COM|BY NATHANIEL RICH
BF: And actually super interesting that you
use the word fear mongering to describe others cause that's pretty much what
you've done with all your posts. Rather than take you serious Julie I stopped
reading half way through after all the people you called idiotic.
JC: I don't give a damn if people call me
idiotic. I simply feel sorry that people are so bonded to their beliefs which
should not be confused with science-based knowledge.
I did my research - a LOT of it - on these two subjects; I called people, I read case law, studies - independent studies to be clear - and then I called back Monsanto and checked with them.
I have reams of information, sites, links, and case law that I can cite and I guarantee you, most of the poeple here haven't done any research at all, and are relying on very poor resources. Whatever. That's their right, but it doesn't mean they are right, and it doesn't change the facts, or the excellent science.
I did my research - a LOT of it - on these two subjects; I called people, I read case law, studies - independent studies to be clear - and then I called back Monsanto and checked with them.
I have reams of information, sites, links, and case law that I can cite and I guarantee you, most of the poeple here haven't done any research at all, and are relying on very poor resources. Whatever. That's their right, but it doesn't mean they are right, and it doesn't change the facts, or the excellent science.
JC: Sorry all. Facts are facts are facts and good
science is good science.
I've given 90 minutes of my time and many good links here. I'll adwww.sciencebasedmedicine.org to the list and suggest you look up Doc. Cami Ryan's blog.
Otherwise, I can't budge those who are melded to a paradigm.
I've given 90 minutes of my time and many good links here. I'll adwww.sciencebasedmedicine.org to the list and suggest you look up Doc. Cami Ryan's blog.
Otherwise, I can't budge those who are melded to a paradigm.
Science-Based Medicine: Exploring issues and
controversies in the relationship between science and…
SCIENCEBASEDMEDICINE.ORG
JC: Also, there is an excellent discussion of the
GMO issue at Food and Farm Discussion Lab (Facebook
group) a group of farmers international, who are experts in this and other
ag-related issues. I know there is a very active discussion of GMO seeds on there
because I directed another anti-GMO person there the other day. #creamed.
One must at some point at least READ the science behind this stuff. Have your opinions, but understand that the science is based on more than 70 years' research and use, in the case of GMOs and more than 60 for glyphosate.
And given you are all consuming GMO products every single day of your lives, and you will continue to do so for the rest of your lives, and that you're all quite healthy, I'm sure, and that people the world over are NOT dropping like flies, AND that sustainability is a CORE goal of the five main companies engaged in GMO tech (Monsanto is only one of them), the idea they are intent on not only ruining the world but cannibalising their own clients in the bargain is absurd.
One must at some point at least READ the science behind this stuff. Have your opinions, but understand that the science is based on more than 70 years' research and use, in the case of GMOs and more than 60 for glyphosate.
And given you are all consuming GMO products every single day of your lives, and you will continue to do so for the rest of your lives, and that you're all quite healthy, I'm sure, and that people the world over are NOT dropping like flies, AND that sustainability is a CORE goal of the five main companies engaged in GMO tech (Monsanto is only one of them), the idea they are intent on not only ruining the world but cannibalising their own clients in the bargain is absurd.
JC: JH, that Dupont thing has zero to do with
glyphosate or gmos. I'm going to read the case - the actual case, not this
tear-jerking story - to understand what the case was based on and what the
outcome was.
JC: You guys all know Bill Nye the Science guy,
right?
Well, he was very anti-gmo until he did his research. He's a smart guy.... https://l.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.businessinsider.com%2Fbill-nye-explains-his-stance-on-gmos-2015-7&h=9AQFPQeZd
Well, he was very anti-gmo until he did his research. He's a smart guy.... https://l.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.businessinsider.com%2Fbill-nye-explains-his-stance-on-gmos-2015-7&h=9AQFPQeZd
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